What if I weren’t afraid??….

“,I LEARNED THAT COURAGE WAS NOT THE ABSENCE OF FEAR , BUT THE TRIUMPH OVER IT. THE BRAVE MAN IS NOT HE WHO DOESNT FEEL AFRAID BUT HE WHO CONQUERS THAT FEAR”,. ……………………………………….Nelson Mandela .

There’s a picture that often haunts me. Though its a small, insignificant episode of my life but my life is gravely covered with its invisible blanket. Its one of those childhood memories which is permanently fixed somewhere within me, and it never fails to sail out in front of my eyes like one rolling movie shot. The very remembrance of it makes my heart beat fast. Though I cannot see any particular reason for it to remain within me after so long time, but it still keeps on lingering. Then I was only ten and now thirty three.

It was a November evening, approximately five. I don’t remember the actual time, but it has to be somewhere near five because it was the time when the bell rang. The bell rang, it was time for the students, who were already in the pool to get out and make way for a fresh batch to jump on the pool. Yes, I was in the new batch. It was my first day of learning swimming in a professional swimming school, in Kolkata.

It was a large area and the whole pool was divided into four parts. The centre part was an entire big area for expert swimmers. And it was surrounded by two parts each. One entirely for kids, one of girls, one for boys and the last for handicapped ones. The entire pool area was covered with large stadium kind lights, which always brought a kind of chill within me. The reflection of those lights in the slow steady waves of water under the evening sky with the whole space filled with the smell of only water made me skip many of my breaths. I hated it, I hated it all, mostly the watery smell. Till now it kind of chocks me. I have always wanted to run away from that place. I always used to make unsuccessful attempts of pretending to have fevers and all kinds of aches, my brain of ten year could have figured out. But none would have worked with mommy as she would always won to drag me to that horrible class of mine. Oh, I hated her for that.

As I slowly climbed down the slippery steps, with each step taking me inside the water like a fire, with its wide notorious smile, openly inviting a firefly towards it only to burn him out. I kept on moving inside and inside to where our trainer asked us to stand. The level was enough not to drown my head. I struggled, struggled hard to stand. I couldn’t get my feet steady in that slippery floor. I was unable to breath as the water smell blocked my nose, my head, my every part which stood above it. To my shock , I was the only one to have been struggling there. Others stood there with great expertise and their eyes were fixed on my awkward movements. They were giggling and making fun of me. I felt so ashamed of myself. Everything about it was so self discouraging,.

I experienced a new feeling right there, and that was the feeling of fear. It was a three month course. And for the rest three month, I just managed to hide myself somewhere among the crowd within that horrible pool. In the first day only, I gave up learning swimming and vowed to make myself invisible for the rest 3 month.

It was like the water hated me more than I hated the water.

“Hate” was not the right term. I feared it. I feared the water. I feared the smell. The smell remembered me of all the negative experiences of my life. There was something about it which made me fear it instant. There was no particular reason but there was “IT”. Maybe it was just not right for me to be there .

But somewhere deep down me, I wish I could have overcomed that fear. My consciousness often questions me , what would I have done, if I weren’t afraid? …………..May be today I would have loved water and somewhere I would have been preparing myself for a gold medal.. At least I would have overcomed the fear that still haunts me. Maybe today I would have been more confident.

Somehow, even remembering it today makes me struggle to find my breath. I end up with goosebumps and an air filled with fear and discouragement.

I curse myself to have let fear win this battle. It would have been different if I would have dared to live it in.

It has been rightly said by George Addair “Everything you have ever wanted is on the other side of fear”.

And I somehow lost this gamble…

Advertisements

When πŸ’˜πŸ’—Heart is hurt πŸ’”…

My heart, often, it wants to know…………………………………. “What is the true essence of being alive?” To that I said, “Oh, my poor ignorant heart., If I would have known, I would have been a part of the sky. “,

Not satisfied with my answer, she again roared, ” why is there so cruelty, so jealousy , among equal beings?”

Thinking for about half a min, I comforted, ” oh Heart, it’s just a game of becoming the king. ”

Very sadly heart queried, ” So where in this game of winning throne, do I stand ? ”

Frankly I answered, ” Friend, nobody can afford to take a stand. Forgive me, when I say, they have written you off from their lives, and now you are just a five letter word to be found only in files “..,

Heart found her words and said, ” Time has changed. It really has. There was a time, when I ruled “,

” Yes, my friend .True it is. But time waits for none”. I sensed her ego hurt. Before it chided again, I stopped my heart……..”oh, my poor heart. There’s no need to feel sad because however strong they may rule, but without you , my poor ignorant heart, there’s no any chance they can pull. Soon this game will be over. There will be no kings, no thrones. And then, my sweet heart , you are bound to bounce back in a throne which is completely made of your own. And this time heart, do hold it tight. As they are cunning enough not to miss a flight.”

And so, happily a heart fluttered in its own delight……πŸ’–πŸ’–

🍁☘☘WIND OF CHANGE…🌿

I double checked myself in the mirror. The matching earrings were too long for my pink anarkali Kurta. In fact, my Kurta was long enough to make me look like a behenji(illiterate and lousy woman). I cringed my eyebrows, I didn’t liked myself at all in this attire. I looked at the clock, I still had two more hours. Without wasting any more time, I opened my closet to find something more simple and smart to put on. But to my horror, for the first time in five years I came to realize my wardrobe had nothing but kurtas and that too all falling way far below my knees. I wondered since when I transformed into such a boring person. Suddenly it striked me , why sanjay didn’t wanted me to join him in his office party. And, why Anna didn’t asked me to come to her annual function. Anna was my little girl. My breath of fresh air.

Suddenly I froze as a wave of terror passed through me, shaking every bones within me,.. every part of my body ached, every strings within me vibrated . When did it happened? Why didn’t I realized? Did being 33 years meant old enough to lose all colours in me, around me? What happened? Why everything seemed black and white suddenly? These 8 years of successful marriage felt meaningless to me in a minute of time. I went near the mirror to check myself thoroughly. No, there was no sign of any wrinkles yet ,. …..

“Tinggg tonggg…….,” …I jumped out at the sudden sound of the door bell .I looked at the watch, it was 12 noon. Anna went to school and satish office. No one is expected till 4 evening.

I went to answer the door only to find some company boys trying to sell something. I quickly finished their queries and headed back to my room.

My Mobile screen was flashing an incoming message indicator light.

“Hi, neha. My flight is one hour late so I will see you in 3 instead of 2, hotel Vedanta. My treat. Dying to see you. And as usual don’t be late cat. TC, bye, see you soon….sangeeta”,

I threw the phone in my bed. I didn’t wanted to meet her or anybody, right at this moment.. I felt all drain out, so low, so lifeless. But most of all, I felt so worthless. During these 8 years of married life, never once did I thought about myself. I went so busy taking care of my husband , my daughter, my home that I completely forgot myself, just to remember today when I am to meet my bestest friend after 10 complete years, in about three hour. I have become so dumb, so tasteless. And she, a smart independent single woman. Why did I ever get married at the first place? Why??? Jealousy started to burn me inside out and my entire body ached. Hot drops of tears began to roll down my cheeks.

After ten long minutes I hold myself promising to rap up the date as soon as possible and never ever to see her face again. Keeping it in my mind, I finally decided not to change the dress I already wore. Just changed my earring to a more sobre one.

It was ten min past 3, I finally entered the dining area of the said hotel. My eyes scanning the entire hall. Suddenly, I caught a woman in peach colour formal business suit, flashing out her sets of white teeth into a big grin, wilding waving in my direction. Was she sangeeta? She looked fair and way too young compared to me. Again, I cursed myself to have come here..I could have done with any excuses not to come here.

“It’s sooo nicceee seeing you. After 10 years, finally we could meet. I am so happy, Neha. Tell me, tell me everything about you. Your marriage…Anna.. Everything… Can’t wait to hear.”, Sangeeta cried in one breath.

“I am doing fine. You look young.”, I regretted at my last sentence. I should have enquired about her health instead.

” I am absolutely fine neha. Its just, life have thrown me in such a cycle where though I am earning enough money, but I don’t get the time to enjoy spending it.” , Sangeeta eyes suddenly felt sad by her blunt confession .

But I didn’t buy it. Why can someeone so independent like her, go on complaining about her life. After all, freedom matters most. Before I could stop my mouth, it vomitted words;

“What are you saying? Just look at yourself, working for the best company, getting a dream salary , single. What else can a woman ask for? You are free to do whatever you want to. So successful in such a young age. I wish, I could be you. ” , a wind of jealousy blew past me,as I rebutted her statement.

Silence followed for continuing five minutes, as we ordered for our coffees and sandwiches.

After that, sangeeta, being a little thoughtful, opened her mouth again, but this time her eyes met directly mine, ” Neha, are you happy in your married life?”

I spilled my coffee in the table, at hearing her blunt question.

” Wh…. What do you mean? I am perfectly happy in my life.” I tried hard to lie but her fixed eyes clearly revealed my unsuccessful attempt.

” Neha, I am ….was your best friend once. I know you quite well. You can’t hide your feelings from me. Come-on …Out with it.”, Her eyes were kind enough to make my tears flow. I cried like a baby forgetting I was making a show out of it inside a posh restaurant…….

…………………………………………………..To be continued….

🌡A DRY MONOTONOUS LIFE WHERE THE LIFEπŸ‚πŸ‚πŸ‚ ITSELF HAS BEEN SUCKED OUT OF US πŸ˜žπŸ˜ž

….Sometimes, a SWORD may not win a war, but a mere kind tap on the shoulder can do wonders.

A light tap from someone near and dear can change one’s life for ever. A little tap on one’s shoulder can help a life lift itself from the reign of cruel monotonous flowing lives right out there.

We come across so many faces in our daily lives, from the milkman to the laundry boy to the school children’s eagerly waiting for their buses , which all seems so lost in this crazy stupid human race for the survival. They act not because they love to, but just because they have to. There’s no other way out. Fear of judgement forces them to move their ass. As if it’s a huge jungle where the sole mantra is being, “SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST”. ………..And what with those who are weak? Ohh….Let them burn in hell, who the hell cares.

But my question is, Who is going to decide ,who is fit and who is not??..,,,…. Should we leave it to those horrible bosses of ours or our parents, who are most of the time mean to us or the society, which itself is not sure enough of its running?? ?whhooooo???

Has anyone ever cared to take a moment out of their so called hectic schedules and look closely into their eyes? Perhaps no one. No one has the god damn time to care for anyone. And I don’t blame it upon them either, for life has itself become so difficult, so critical, so hard to survive. One moment of absent mind and you are kicked out of the race. “Fired”,”suspension”,”expulsion”,and what not. All these words starts falling upon us as if it were a rain drenching all of our inside out.

LIFE , no doubt, have made a ROBOT out of us all. Screw those idiots, who are busy making tin metal robots. Someone tell them to look at themselves first. ARE THEY HUMAN ENOUGH TO MAKE ROBOTS in the first place.

But, the point is, Is it really “life”, who is to be blamed for making robots out of us.

OR,

Is it we “humans“, who have made a fool out of us.

Think, ..For once, think; Wat do we exactly do in our daily lives? Leave that..,Just ask this simple question to yourself- what are we going to do in the coming 4 hours? Immediately, all sort of pictures of us doing this, doing that will start rolling into our brains. Isn’t it right? Will it not be a monotonous type? You will be knowing exactly what you are going to be doing , starting from the very this moment till time unending..

So…….. Where’s life?

A dry, monotonous LIFE,,,from where the word “life” itself is sucked out of us. Yes, yes….This is what we call today LIFE..

There’s nothing at all for which we are not prepared for..May it be a natural calamity or whatever…At least we nicely pretend to.

This system, this entire fucking system have ruined everything that was once beautiful within us.

OR,

Again, it’s fucking us, who have encouraged this useless system. And life still continues to be like this. We can buy happiness, steel happiness, fake happiness, plan happiness…….. “HAPPINESS”— such a temporary 9 letter screw word.

SO, WHY CANT WE TRY MAKE A SMALL DIFFERENCE. WE REALLY DON’T HAVE TO REVOLT OR WRITE A BIG FAT BOOK FOR IT. JUST FEELING A LITTLE SORRY FOR OURSELVES IS HALF JOB DONE..HUMANITY TOWARDS OUR OWN SELVES CAN CONTRIBUTE A DROP IN THIS OCEAN. Just tap someone’s shoulder Gently, someone near and dear..It may be ur own children, husband, angry neighbor screaming at you right in front of ur gate or anyone and fill out their hearts with warmth, care, gentleness; ensuring no matter what, we are always gonna be right there for them. Assuring them that they do matter a lot, and witness the lost shine come back their dry, tired eyes. That shine, which was rudely snatched away from them, since the moment they were born in this horrified place, called “WORLD“. And watch the change in their way of reliving their life again.

Thanks a lot….Spread love, spread life.

We fought a tough fight…

Today morning I read one article where a young girl shared her love for her little kitten.

Generally, I don’t read these type of articles not because I don’t like to, but it brings a deep sense of ache in my heart.

This post is very close to my heart as I am sharing my entire universe with you . My heart, my Sarah , which meant to me my entire universe. She is no more near me leaving me so incomplete. A void space which can never ever be filled again.

She was a terrier, a beautiful girl indeed, with the most appealing pair of black clear eyes and a balanced, beautiful mixture of grey brown and black hair.(I am so sorry saru, my life, I will never be able to describe your beauty. But i know where ever you are, you know exactly what u mean to me).

I lost her in September 4, 2017. She was 10 years old. She was bravely fighting with cancer since past two years

Readers , I am so sorry to bother you with my… OUR story but suddenly I realized some stories are meant to be said. Because emotions may hide but never leave. Generally I am a very sensitive person but these 7 months, I have played a good tough role in hiding my feelings. But today I felt, I must cherish all her memories rather being aloof.

My journey started with her when she was only ten days old. Since childhood I always wanted a pet. I always begged for one to my parents. But they were always no for it. I used to live in Gauhati then which is in Assam, India. It’s a small city. My father worked in a central bank which meant lot of transfers. We were to spent three years there. I was doing my graduation and had big plans for my future. But little did I know my life had totally some other plans for me.

It was a cold January morning. Year 2007. Fog was covering the entire city like a new bride covering her head with her saree. It was the coldest winter since now. I heard my neighbor shouting about her dog giving birth to five little cute puppies. The first instance I laid my eyes on her, my heart knew we had a story.

I felt, I had to take a stand against my parents and bring that little creature home. And I did what my heart said.

We survived through thick and thins. And when life seemed to settle a bit I came to know we had a hard fight coming …A fight with cancer. I was terrified with the news. What if I lose her? How will I survive without her? Why don’t I die with her? So much questions popping 8n my head. I wished I had a heart attack . Can’t afford to lose her. I was so dependent on her. When I returned home and looked in her eyes, they showed no symptoms of pain or sadness. On the contrary I saw her smiling at me as if consoling me and urging me to be brave enough throughout rest of her journey. I understood clearly there’s no other way than to fight it out. I needed her more badly than she needed me. And she really fought it with grace till her last breath. Never seen anyone accepting death so gracefully, exhaling her last breath with so much pride. I wanted to cry so much but hold myself tight knowing she won’t like it as she was still there in her intangible form. I didn’t want to low her spirit.

One thing is truly said, until one has loved an animal , a part of ones soul remains unawakened.

Her death is just the absence of her physical being for everything else is right here with me, in me. Though most of the time I feel the need to touch her, to feel her, to smell her but I am grateful to god for showing me the true meaning of falling in love. I have felt death.

She taught me many lessons during her lifetime but two are close to my heart. First, to love someone you must have to throw yourself completely in it. Loving while holding your senses is not love in true sense. You have to be insane to love someone. Because love can only be felt not understood.

Secondly, the one thing that is sure to happen to everyone is death. Rest is all unsure. So why don’t we accept it gracefully.

To the wannabe writers , …..With love. .From a brand new brain.

“Be what you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”. By Dr. Suess

This article is primarily dedicated to two class of people (1) even though, till now, have not written a single word anywhere but carry a deep desire within to be a writer somewhere down their lives .

(2) who have already wasted many of their valuable nights, breaking their heads and losing some more of their eyesight , googling sites that boasts about how to be a good writer and ends up with puffy eyes and a docs appointment.

I, myself belong to the second category.

Readers TRUST ME , after a long , tedious and frustrating journey of compromising with my beauty sleeps to losing my eyesight some more in the search of that particular life saving damn site, I ended up with a conclusion.

Conclusion completely based on my experience, my own god damn experience. So hell with those professional sites which practically ran past far much above my little poor much too slow a brain.

So here, with love , from a brand new, cent% ignorant a writer like me to a rationale crowd like you ….I present my points to end up being a okay okay writer.

1} You must have hands.,(lolπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ sorry jokes apart). You need to know how to read and write one language. Yes any god damn language will do.

2} Introverts clearly holds a strong chance. They are natural ones. So much of said unsaid thoughts that continuously goes on and off within that crazy brain . Trust me waters in the ocean will be less compared to those thoughts of theirs.

3} love of writing itself no matter what you write.

4} But the most important of all is the STARTING OF THE JOURNEY OF WRITING ITSELF. We human tend to think sooo muchh that we end up doing nothing..At least a majority of us do, including me off course. Daily our brain heart mind passes through an endless self one sided conversations that our main job remains somewhere unnoticed, here I mean ” the writing thing”. If we happen to keep a proper record we will get frightened to know how many nights and days we waste just by simply thinking. We think and think and think and then we get tired so we sleep and then again we wake and think and think. What kind of pitiful life to spent.

So I think , the most important thing to become a writer is to take a pen any pen in-between your fingers and start the writing itself. Yes don’t think much, do not get afraid of what others may think. You just go on and on. Let it be rubbish let it be trash for these garbage will one day somewhere down the road smile back at you. Let their be mistakes, let the mistakes flow because no mistakes are ever taken on pen and paper when the work is done by your heart and soul.

Ending by safely concluding the saying of Paulo coelho….. Because when you want something the whole world conspire to get it to you.